I was doing ok. And then on our father and son and son walk. Dad’s phone made a sound. A simple sound. A notification. We were enjoying the brisk air, the walk together. Morris was sniffing and investigating. I was happy and present. Not something I get to be often.
And then that mechanical device made a mechanical sound and I was pulled from the moment. I lost the plot the point. And for a split second I was back in a familiar safe space. An echo.
That mechanical sound, while we three walked in seeming contentment. Beneath a clear blue sky. Clean air. Sharing in the moment. It pulled me back. Not to reality but to memory.
Without a conscious thought, I made an assumption. I thought I knew the moment. And like any one who has false confidence in the future. I was mistaken.
Because when that mechanical sound happened, my soul thought a thing that was soon to be refuted by my mind and reality.
My father, my brother and I were on a walk. In the sun, wandering. To my soul the only reason for such a mechanical sound was clear as the beautiful sky above me.
If these three souls are on a walk. If this trio is out and about, there can be only one reason for any mechanism to make a sound.
Half way through any adventure, any moment, any shared experience…Mom would check in.
All ok? What’s the eta? When will you be home? When can we all be safe in the walls of home?
That damn mechanical sound happened and for a moment I just knew it was mom checking in, giving us space but also keeping tabs.
In reality it was a spam call on my father’s phone, quickly sent to voicemail.
And the harsh reality set in, she wasn’t waiting for us at home, patient but anxious. Supportive but worried.
It was a hard moment. And in that moment I failed a bit. I should have said something to my father and my brother, maybe they had the same impulse or reaction to the sound.
But no, I went full white middle aged man and swallowed my emotions, my connection. I stopped to take a picture and tears fell.
I did not share that moment with the only two people who could have maybe understood. I held it and locked it away.
Selfishly I didn’t want to ruin the moment, to share the steps and the sunshine with my brother and father. I wanted to keep walking.
I should have had the strength to share my pain. How can I expect them to share with me when they feel if I don’t when I do?
Mom, we are still figuring out this world without the most knowledgeable person about emotions and connection.
We will keep trying.
