Fighting a losing Battle.

 I am many things. I’m not all the things she told you. 

I am many of them. Most of the worst things. 

But she’s something. 

She’s only ever loved one person. Who took advantage. And still holds a power over her. 

It’s why when she choose someone else, they reminded her of him, of Mordecai. 

Her one and only true love. Unrequited perhaps. But never forgotten. He was the specter I would never live up to. 

Then she found a new one. Closer to him. More her style. 

And I lost my shit. 

She went to Ireland with him. Twice a trip I was told we couldn’t do together. But she found her Mordecai proxy. 

Then when I felt hurt. It was my own fault. It was my ego. 

For years she refused any social interaction. But when the false Mordecai was involved, she was all about it. 

I came to believe that my wife hated me for not being the man she really wanted and that she found a placeholder. 

And I did everything wrong. 

As she emotionally cheated with this proxy of the only man she has ever truly loved. I did worse. I stepped out. 

I fell in love with someone else. Who didn’t use me as a proxy for the man who manipulated her. 

I was wrong.

The details don’t matter at that point. But the truth any became clear. She immediately called my family. Not her own who didn’t have the ability to actually support her. They would have tried but she knew which cupboard had the butter. 

Maybe that was the plan all along. Milk this family and then find another man she can’t “commit” to due to the trauma and milk his family as well. 

Always keeping open a legal door even though she said we should split it all even. And then milk what ever she can at the last possible moment. 

She never felt valued because at an early age she was told her sister and her cancer was the priority. So she spent the rest of her life working what ever system she could to get what she needed. 

It’s not evil. It’s just pragmatic. But it was never love. Well maybe the love she had for the one who would never love her back, Mordecai. He who wouldn’t even kiss her when he demanded her affection. 

The time will come when she will demand from you like her parents who can’t support themselves demand from her. 

At that moment I hope you cut her off like you have me. 

Let Uncle Mordecai finally step in for the shit he has created. 

You’d love Matlock

So MOM, there’s this show that just came out and it’s new and different but also kind of the same. It harkens back to a show of the past Matlock, with a bit of murder she wrote. I’m not sure if you would love it but I think if you just watched it you connect with the clever logic as storytelling. 

I don’t know if you get signals or streaming where you are now but I would’ve loved to watch it with you. It feels your style. It feels the type of show that you would love and love it as much as I love it. It also hurts because I can’t watch it with you.

There are things in life that I want to you to  and see that I can’t imagine you having to deal with and there are things that I want you to see that you’ll never see. 

 I think this is why we hope and pray the after life. One of the hardest things about grief is loss. We want to share with those we value the most. We have stories to tell. 

I don’t know if you get streaming or signals where you are now but I’m going to pretend you do. So let’s watch the new version of Matlock. 

I spent so much of my childhood saying, “Mom look!” it’s a hard reality to have that fall on ears that can no longer hear. 

But I watch a show a moment that reminds me of you and in some way, that’s a momentary balm. 

I can’t Not.

 I’m on the precipice of the hope of something that might be a chance.

I don’t think I am truly worthy of yet another chance yet  I am so excited for it. 

I have spent last year learning about myself - learning how I have played the victim for so many years when the true villain was me, and I am trying to acknowledge that I can’t fix the past. 

Perhaps I can at least do what I can’t and somehow through a power that is not my own and is not through my virtue or my worth due to the grace of having amazing friends having amazing people I need to learn to accept Grace.

I don’t sleep well ever, but I especially don’t sleep well before something. That is important something that is big something that could change a lot.

And I am hopeful and grateful for the opportunity and excited and terrified and yet I am ready. 

I have made a lot of big decisions in my life when I wasn’t ready, and I and others have dealt the consequences of me not being ready - for marriage or job or life or fatherhood - I have rarely been ready. 

In many times, I blame someone else but if there is anything that could come from my mother‘s death - it is perspective. 

All the things I could’ve said, a lot of things I could’ve done.   I could’ve done better. 

Perspective is a hell of a drug and mixed in the emotional alchemy of grief it can change you. It can make it clear in ways that you were not ready to accept. 

Tomorrow will not fix the past. It will not fix the present. But it’s a chance to chart a future. 

And I know that the people in my life want that. They support it.

I know mom would be proud of me for learning and growing and trying. 

That in and of itself is more than reason enough to keep trying. 

I owe her that.