Grief is a horrible and variable thing. Often you think that you can plan for it, certain days, holidays, anniversaries. These are things you can see coming and plan for the emotions that will likely follow. You don’t always succeed but you know it’s coming. So that’s something.
For me the worst days are the unexpected. Maybe a random Monday. Like today. Sometimes it’s a fun moment, like a story or moment you want to share with Mom because you know it would make her smile or laugh. Sometimes it’s a confused brain moment, thinking we need to let mom know we are running behind so she doesn’t worry.
What I have learned is that the worst, the thing that hurts the most, the moments that wreck me are more subtle. They aren’t anniversaries or special dates, they aren’t holidays. They are the moments that I need my mom the most.
The moment when I want to call her. Just to tell her what I am going through. The times I need her to listen, to give advice, to challenge me or support me.
Mom and I were a lot alike. And I could drive her insane with my attitude, actions and questions. She could influence and infuriate me with her responses and her patience.
It sometimes, more than I want to admit, got messy because I got messy. Often she would listen and love even if she didn’t understand. She seemed to innately know when to push back and when to wait for me to wear myself out like a child than doesn’t want to accept the reality of sleep or reality itself.
I tried to embrace calling her more toward the end and I will never forgive myself for not calling more most of my life. I had this incredible resource and I foolishly thought it would always be there.
I would give anything to be able to call my mom today. To tell her my thoughts, my fears and my frustrations. And I know I would be better for it, just to have that outlet. To know my mom was listening and there.
She might not agree or always trust my thoughts, actions, she didn’t always have solutions or the right thing to say. But she was always there. And she always was willing to listen.
That is such a powerful thing that I miss.
Call your mom if you can. Please.
