Little Victories.

For the first time in more than two years, I have no antidepressants coursing through my veins. It's been a rough while getting off the Effexor but I did it. I'm starting to feel again. Like really feel. I don't think I really understood how numb I have been for the past two years. I would hold things in and then they would only get out through extreme measures. No sex drive until it became a physical necessity. I felt so numb that I would just go and go until I collapsed. Like I couldn't feel that I was pushing myself too hard until it was too late.

Wouldn't feel hurt until it was too much to control and then with a little help from alcohol, completely explode in a wave of tremors, tears and toxic anger. I simply wouldn't feel until I couldn't stop myself from feeling.

Now the feelings have been creeping back in. Imposter syndrome is now an every day or two event again. I rode my bike to work today because some part of me was convinced that I would rage quit my job if I had the option. One single email, one slip up and I felt the crushing weight of dispair and failure. I figured I couldn't quit because on the bike there is no way I could take my paper box full of personal items home. So build in a buffer. 

Since 2008-2009, I've always had a bag hidden at my desk, of nearly every desk job I've had in the past 10 years. Ready to pack up and go. Getting laid off twice in 15 months creates some anxiety, ever since it always feels like I'm waiting for the pink slip to drop.

Loneliness is now more often wave instead of a constant pulsing current. Goosebumps happen when the right chorus hits or the wind blows just right. It feels like I can feel every gnat, fly or mosquito that lands anywhere on my body. It feels like going through a second puberty. Suddenly all of these emotions are back and vibrant and after two plus years of progressively feeling less and less it is a lot to take on. As I increased my dosage, I became more and more a zombie. 

Changing living situations over the past 12 months have made my suburban home feel a lot more isolated and more and more like a prison as opposed to a home. Children grow up and they create their own lives and the importance of parents in their social structure seems to decrease. I was not ready for it to change as much as it has and that just made me feel more and more like a zombified isolated disaster. 

Getting off the Effexor has helped. It's one step of many. I'm trying to look at long term goals and not focus on the frustrations of the immediate moment and past. How I'm not where I want to be and haven't been there in a long time. How I feel isolated and that leads me to isolate myself more.

It's exciting. It's terrifying. And it is all very overwhelming. I'm glad to be off the drugs and to feel again. But it's like every nerve in and outside me has been turned to 11.

It's good to feel. But maybe not this much. There has to be a happy medium.Today I biked to work and I will bike home. I made the needed changes to the email related issue and the world didn't end. I tried not to go scorched earth and burn bridges (metaphorically of course). I got some things done. At best today is a little victory. But it is a victory nonetheless.

Spiral. Downward. Not Ham.

I’ve been doing really well with dealing w anxiety/depression over the past few wks. Exercise, etc. then I got a cold/allergies and my schedule got off course. Today is the hardest day I’ve had in a while. It’s amazing how things can snowball.

Little setbacks seem like mountains. My pulse feels like it’s pounding out of my veins. Upset stomach. Upset intestines. Not enough exercise and feeling awful. Slept 15 hours yesterday and all I can think about is the things I didn’t accomplish. Logically I know it’s ok. But...

Logical doesn’t really own real estate in my head. It’s usually just passing through. So I can see the physical signs and acknowledge them as such and know I will logically be just fine and things aren’t falling apart. But the signs still suck hard.


Yesterday I tried energy drinks comfort microwave popcorn and a ham and cheese sub and I made it until 2 before I had to collapse. I went home thinking I could sleep a bit and recover. I figured that a NyQuil nap of 12-15 hours would knock out the cold/respiratory bug.


And it kind of worked. I woke with less gunk in my airways. I got showered, dressed and to work at the goal time so I can leave when I need to today. I used a coupon and got a burrito for lunch at over half off. Deals and coupons increase the taste of any meal for me by at least a percentage equal to the discount.


I felt decent. But had a conversation or two that took my mind to places I'd rather not visit. Like when you're passing a dark alleyway at night so you cross the street or walk just a bit quicker than normal. These conversations had my mind stopping and looking down that dark passage. Giving corporeal form to every shadow. Making assumptions into facts. Negative thoughts into carved in stone laws of nature.


I ate my burrito. It was meh. Nothing tastes good when you can't breath or smell. I went up a level of obnoxious with a different style of energy drink. I tore into the emergency stash of Twizzlers and Rice Krispies - specifically chosen for their nostalgic properties as much as their sugar. I almost pulled the trigger on another 20 oz of Mountain Dew.


I hid in the bathroom, as much due to the anxiety than the upset intestines and poor diet. I tried to drown the cold or allergies or anxiety with copious pints of water. Which not surprisingly led to more hiding in the bathroom.


Then the phone rang and I learned that my dog had slipped her collar and was out on her own. I yelled into the speakerphone to get her to come to the phone. My blood pressure spiked and I threw up a bit in my mouth. The acidity burning the back of my throat and sparking a coughing fit. The dog is safe and home. Her adventure lasted just few minutes.


So I'm back at my desk. Trying to fend off the shakes. With a mental version of myself rocking and screaming while I try and keep the outside looking 2:31 PM on a Wednesday appropriate.


Knees bounce and I turn to the one thing I haven't tried yet today. Writing. Well I have tried. I'm at a word standstill on both a podcast script and a radio show script. I have an empty page judging me for not filling it with radio show description templates. I haven't touched any of my personal writing pieces in days.

Instead I started this. Free writing. Words. Emotional vomit on the screen. It feels good to do something. To accomplish something. Even if that is just some nonsense spewed out with little structure or purpose. The hope is that this will jump start my day. Or in the least serve as a emergency fail-safe parachute to slow my downward spiral. 1.5 hours and I'm out in the sun, navigating the bus, trains and teenagers. None of which are as easy as it seems.

For now, the pulse doesn't seem to be making my veins rise out of my arm. The water has helped soothed the acid scorched throat. The dog is home safe and happy for her adventure.

It's going to be ok. Probably. The parachute has popped and my descent has slowed. I should enjoy the view. Maybe it is time for popcorn.



#depression #anxiety #gettingthrough #justkeepswimming