I’ve been doing really well with dealing w anxiety/depression over the past few wks. Exercise, etc. then I got a cold/allergies and my schedule got off course. Today is the hardest day I’ve had in a while. It’s amazing how things can snowball.
Little setbacks seem like mountains. My pulse feels like it’s pounding out of my veins. Upset stomach. Upset intestines. Not enough exercise and feeling awful. Slept 15 hours yesterday and all I can think about is the things I didn’t accomplish. Logically I know it’s ok. But...
Logical doesn’t really own real estate in my head. It’s usually just passing through. So I can see the physical signs and acknowledge them as such and know I will logically be just fine and things aren’t falling apart. But the signs still suck hard.
Yesterday I tried energy drinks comfort microwave popcorn and a ham and cheese sub and I made it until 2 before I had to collapse. I went home thinking I could sleep a bit and recover. I figured that a NyQuil nap of 12-15 hours would knock out the cold/respiratory bug.
And it kind of worked. I woke with less gunk in my airways. I got showered, dressed and to work at the goal time so I can leave when I need to today. I used a coupon and got a burrito for lunch at over half off. Deals and coupons increase the taste of any meal for me by at least a percentage equal to the discount.
I felt decent. But had a conversation or two that took my mind to places I'd rather not visit. Like when you're passing a dark alleyway at night so you cross the street or walk just a bit quicker than normal. These conversations had my mind stopping and looking down that dark passage. Giving corporeal form to every shadow. Making assumptions into facts. Negative thoughts into carved in stone laws of nature.
I ate my burrito. It was meh. Nothing tastes good when you can't breath or smell. I went up a level of obnoxious with a different style of energy drink. I tore into the emergency stash of Twizzlers and Rice Krispies - specifically chosen for their nostalgic properties as much as their sugar. I almost pulled the trigger on another 20 oz of Mountain Dew.
I hid in the bathroom, as much due to the anxiety than the upset intestines and poor diet. I tried to drown the cold or allergies or anxiety with copious pints of water. Which not surprisingly led to more hiding in the bathroom.
Then the phone rang and I learned that my dog had slipped her collar and was out on her own. I yelled into the speakerphone to get her to come to the phone. My blood pressure spiked and I threw up a bit in my mouth. The acidity burning the back of my throat and sparking a coughing fit. The dog is safe and home. Her adventure lasted just few minutes.
So I'm back at my desk. Trying to fend off the shakes. With a mental version of myself rocking and screaming while I try and keep the outside looking 2:31 PM on a Wednesday appropriate.
Knees bounce and I turn to the one thing I haven't tried yet today. Writing. Well I have tried. I'm at a word standstill on both a podcast script and a radio show script. I have an empty page judging me for not filling it with radio show description templates. I haven't touched any of my personal writing pieces in days.
Instead I started this. Free writing. Words. Emotional vomit on the screen. It feels good to do something. To accomplish something. Even if that is just some nonsense spewed out with little structure or purpose. The hope is that this will jump start my day. Or in the least serve as a emergency fail-safe parachute to slow my downward spiral. 1.5 hours and I'm out in the sun, navigating the bus, trains and teenagers. None of which are as easy as it seems.
For now, the pulse doesn't seem to be making my veins rise out of my arm. The water has helped soothed the acid scorched throat. The dog is home safe and happy for her adventure.
It's going to be ok. Probably. The parachute has popped and my descent has slowed. I should enjoy the view. Maybe it is time for popcorn.
#depression #anxiety #gettingthrough #justkeepswimming
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