I failed and tried to create a version of me that you would love and respect. It was a fools errand. We can’t create love and/or respect. It’s only earned or given.
And I never earned it. For the last 5 years I walked at on eggshells for years and I still lost, I still failed.
If I was the arrogant ass you make me be I wouldn’t have tried. I wouldn’t have censored myself. I wouldn’t have given up drinking for a year to see if it would actually change things. I did those things. I gave up things. I tried.
No one noticed. Nothing about my personality that people disliked went away.
I could blame alcohol. I could curry favor with my bold decision to no drink. What I truly learned is that my personality is the problem, my ego, my self.
Not drinking didn’t fix it. Not swearing or being a slave to the gospel or rules didn’t make me more likable.
I was an asshole. I am an asshole. There is not get out of jail free card for that. I have to learn to get better. I’m trying. Been trying. But being a self righteous asshole doesn’t change over night.
What you saw about me. I am. I’m trying to change it, but I was quite proficient as an asshole. So it’s at best a failure in progress.
It’s not a situation. Or chemical. I’m functionally bad at interpersonal conduct.
I get it. I’m trying to fix it. Heal it. But it’s objectively fucked for now. You don’t have to expect it to get better or even give me the chance. But so I can live with myself. I have to try.
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