Hubris Personified

Imagine if you will, a theater major, in London on a trip to study at the world famous Globe Theater recreation. 

They get one moment on stage alone to deliver the Shakespearean monologue they have been working on for 3 months. 

His wife, newly married is on the trip. He held the engagement ring in his pocket the night he saw a lord of the rings movie in the theater at premiere night. His bride is in the audience waiting to hear her man deliver his Shakespearean monologue on this famous stage. 

Full of confidence and vigor he steps up to the beautiful and ornate double wooden doors. He envisions being like Aragon and pushing open the doors with force and righteous purpose. He’s going to burst onto the stage and deliver the monologue of his life. Impress his bride, his father and his mentor. 

He takes a deep breath, thanking fate for the opportunity, a smaller breath to calm his anxiety and a pause to thank the fates he made it to this moment. 

With the monologue in his tongue and an ego full of vigor and passion he pushed against the doors like a sprinter breaking out of the starting block. 

What he got was a resounding, terrible thud. 

The doors didn’t swing open, he didn’t emerge as a valiant Aragon. 

They just went thud. 

Because they were doors that didn’t push. They were pull. 

He adjusted, pulled and delivered the monologue, a tense victorious stream of words that would have been so much better if everyone hadn’t been giggling about the thud. 

Hubris is a vicious judge. But also seems to have a sense of humor. 

Unprepared and Arrogant

When my first wife and I got married, we agreed to never have children. Neither of us felt that we were prepared to bring another life into this chaotic, horrible world, and I myself didn’t feel prepared to give them any skills to get through it. I felt I would be, a bad parent and was in so many ways I was still a child and unprepared.

Life happened and we brought two amazing beings into life. Both had to struggle to fight to get here to land on this planet of existence each of them probably in another age would not have been allowed opportunity and despite our misgiving, we burst individuals.

 Opportunity and despite our misgiving, we birthed two individuals. I arrogant thought I would figure it out as I went. 

But overtime, it proves that I was right in my first assumption. I was not prepared or ready to be a father or a mentor or anything resembling a support system. I failed both of them repeatedly. 

In spite of my flawed existence and despite my negative influences on them, they have both succeeded are succeeding, thriving, and will thrive.

vilification of my existence, despite my negative influences on them, they have both succeeded - are succeeding, thriving, and will thrive.

It is understandable that neither of them really has much desired of anything to do with me because I have provided not enough and I have also been cast as a villain and derided the entire way .

I take pride and I have never chosen the path of derision and vilification of the other parent. It is clear to me that the only thing on earth that early 20 something me, was right about was that I was not ready and not prepared. and yet I unleashed that stumbling fool of a father upon them.

And yet I unleashed that stumbling fool of a father upon them.

Is it a paradox that I cannot fix? I cannot wish it had happened because then these incredible individuals would not exist. I do wish that I could’ve been better. I do wish so much. 

The Terrors Learn to Wait

One of the best things about living with night terrors is that over time you learn to adapt. You learn how to find a way to deal with the horrible images, the scary moments, and the bloodcurdling events that your mind presents. 

You learn this through trial and error. At some point you become, if you’re lucky, good enough at it that you can remove yourself from that horrible dream. You can remove yourself from the night terror it doesn’t stop the feeling or the emotion or quite frankly the terror. Like hitting pause right before the scary moment in the movie. Hopefully, you walk away and the movie never continues.  But some nights and more importantly, some mornings hitting pause isn’t enough. 

My brain is very good at deleting the things that it knows I shouldn’t see again but just like any solid state storage there’s going to be an echo that sticks with you. I don't know what my mind deleted from last night's terror. I do know that it terrified me enough that I woke up at 4 AM and decided that whether the sun was up or not, I was done  

When that happens and I have no recollection of the dream,  I know that my subconscious is doing its best to keep it from me, but it doesn’t always work. 

I don’t know what I saw in my dreams last night, but I do know that moments of today out of my vision, there’s been something  That I think I see and I look and it’s not there. 

Which means it was either a trick of the light that my brain couldn’t delete or that something is still stalking me. Chasing me until my foolish ass does exactly what it wants and that is to go to sleep. To give that echo of a memory that my brain tried to delete the chance to take hold again. 

Some nights find my insomnia is not being able to sleep because of FOMO or restless legs or just not wanting to face tomorrow. 

Some nights my urge not to sleep is because I know that there is a nightmare waiting for me on the other side of my eyelids.  A nightmare that scared me so much last night. I deleted it and I woke myself up. It's waiting as a shadow in the corner of my vision or on full display across the curtain of night. 

No matter how long you procrastinate, the terrors learn to wait.