Chaos in the Memories

Today was a day of chaos and memories. 

A mess of thoughts and past realities. 

I visited a place I idealized and found echos of the ideal and realities that subterfuge that ideal. 

I stood in a funeral home alone with a body for 10 minutes. 

It was a different type of visitation. 

Yet in a city I was born in. Of which I have flawed and imperfect memories. 

Sharing space with a body in a weird space between now and then felt very…

Normal? Comfortable? Ok? 

This man was loved in life. His accomplishments on a table. Yet in some weird moment of timing. It was just me and him. 

A man I didn’t know. But who I had come to mourn through family obligation. Not obligation then duty. It’s a fine line. 

I was warmed by the way this many was spoken of, the way his family and friends wrote and told his story. 

Here in this place that I have such connection to, but not hold on, this place that my memory of has had a hold on me. 

It was a ridiculous juxtaposition. Me returning to my place of birth to walk into a place of death. A funeral home. A visitation. In so many different ways. 

He seemed peaceful in his repose. I aim for that level of comfort in reality some day. 

Fighting the Battle Lost the War

 There was never a Reichenbach Falls moment when I failed. My failure was so many smaller moments that built on each other time and time again to create an environment that I could not survive the cumulative effect.

I lived my life thinking I could fight any battle I thought when it came to my Reichenbach Falls moment I would survive. But like much of my life that was hubris and ego and foolish.

By telling myself that it would be one cinematic thematic moment that I would have to survive. I miss that reality is a series of Reichenbach Falls not true epic moments, but 1000 tiny moments - That build together to create a waterfall that you can’t cannot overcome.

I was thinking I was fighting a battle that led to a climax. I was blind to the fact that the battle is 1000 tiny moments. 

1000 tiny battles that all add up to something that is so much more important than a singular moment. 

You don’t lose the war in a climactic battle you lose the war in all the tiny battles you lose along the way. 

I thought I was building to an epic climax to a battle that would end no battles. 

Yet in it I lost every battle along the way till I found I had nothing to fight for anymore