Ch-ch-changes

There's a hint of irony that Changes is one of my favorite David Bowie songs. But like all sound, I have to be in the right mood for it. Anxiety and stress is not the right mood. 

Actual changes bring a lot of anxiety and stress for me. So I haven't been listening to much David Bowie lately. 

Accepting change, even good change is always a challenge. This week has had a lot of potentially really good change and working to manage my stress and anxiety. Like any week it's been a roller coaster. 

Something that I have tried is to read quotes or other people's thoughts on change and use those to inform my own opinion of how I am dealing with change. 

"Change always comes bearing gifts" - Price Pritchett 

I do not know who Price Pritchett is but he/she is full of crap. I can't remember the last time I received a gift from change. It brings good or bad stuff. But I've yet to get a "gift". That one must be too clever for me. 

"You can avoid having ulcers by adapting the to the situation: If you fall in a puddle check your pockets for fish" - Author Unknown

That sounds ridiculous. I can't believe no one has claimed it yet. Fall in a puddle, check your pockets for fish should really be a meme. I checked. No fish. 

"If you want to make enemies, change something." Woodrow Wilson

Pretty depressing there Woody. But I guess the whole World War thing would put you in a down mood. Also his first name is actually Thomas. Yet he chose to be called Woodrow. I can't take advice from someone who does that. 

"We all have big changes in our life that are basically a second chance" Harrison Ford

Well that's an unexpected addition to the quote list. But I guess if your second chance is getting to become Indiana Jones after being Han Solo, change isn't such a bad thing. 

I could never be Indy. Can't pull off the hat. 

"Feelings sometimes sway side to side as the heart and mind fight for control" - Unknown

True. Deep. Honest. Conflicted. But I was searching for change quotes....how is this in here....

"Always! That is the dreadful word...it is a meaningless word too" - Oscar Wilde 

Damnit Oscar. You're my go to quote machine. This didn't help. 

"Every saint has a past and every sinner a future." - Oscar Wilde 

Now we are talking. That one had a bit of a lift to it. The bittersweet ring of truth. The clever turn of phrase. Progress. 

"All things must change, to something new, to something strange" Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There we go. Strange. My God is change strange. What I know isn't known. What I saw now can't be seen. What I desired then is not what I need now. 

Change freaks me the fuck out. Good change, bad change - doesn't matter. The anxiety boils in my stomach. The heart races. The mind becomes a hot mess. But the only thing I can really control about change....is how I react to it. 

My body will betray me. My heart will race. My brain chemistry set will boil over. My mind will let all of the worry horses out of the barn. 

"The only way to deal with how I deal with change is to change." - me

I better get better at that. 

The Picture.

It's a good thing I haven't been tasked by the gods to deal with Pandora's Box. I couldn't deal with not being able to put it all back in. Eventually. 

Something that has always been hard for me is accepting change. The box gets opened. Things evolve. People grow together. People grow apart. 

Life marches on and that little bit of time and space you long for or wish to hold still is gone forever. 

I love pictures because when they are done right they capture time and space and reality and hold it still for eternity. 

The smiles never fade. The colors never run. Love and lust don't evaporate. Things don't change. They are still. 

I can still see that picture. I can remember that minuscule moment. I haven't given up on that if.

But life marches on. It is not still. It will continue change. A constant regimental March of growth, change and death and birth. 

I can't fight the flow of the tide. I March along. I change and evolve and love and live and die. 

Through it all, clutched in my dirty, weathered fists, that picture remains.