I have always fallen for beautiful, smart, independent, talented women. I love them. They are great. Passion. Fire. Self confidence. Natural beauty they allow me to remind them of. Intelligence they show me by accident at times. Independence that proves they are whole and worthy of partnership.
Ironically. The one thing I've really learned about beautiful, smart, independent, talented women is that eventually they realize they are beautiful, smart, talented and fully ready to independent from me.
Honestly, it probably has more to do with my perceptions and expectations. Can I really be surprised that no woman wants to be my Princess Leia, Lois Lane, Detective Beckett and Taboo (from the Backlash comic, only I remember) all rolled into one? No. That's a bit unreasonable.
But I do love them. Lord do I. And I have tried to learn from them. Because more than anything, I want my daughter to be a beautiful, smart independent, talented woman who eventually no longer needs me around.
I am a flawed man. As a child I readily accepted the images shown to me. I loved old James Bond films. I assumed that a wife's role involved keeping her husband happy. I watched Leave it to Beaver and Father knows Best on Nick at Night and Full House and Remington Steele and Knight Rider on broadcast. I learned things a certain way.
I have grown. Mostly from my interaction with those beautiful, smart, independent, talented women form my past. I understand how the words that I use and the attitudes I have can affect others. Sadly this is not something I was well aware of before.
It changes when you have a daughter. Suddenly. You are not just a father. You are responsible for portraying the image of a male that will factor into your daughter's perception of how she should be treated. It's possibly one of the most terrifying realizations I have ever had.
But parenthood is about learning and growing and adapting. No one gets it right at first. Or so I assume. It's about learning and changing. So much of life is about changing. I didn't know that.
I have come to have a very hard time accepting certain words within the English language when it comes to referring to people or individuals of the female sex. It's been there in some ways since I was a child. (My son getting detention for pushing the kid who knocked down the girl named Mary in his Catholic preschool is still a favorite). But to be honest most of my youthful reaction was based in some Western cowboy or James Bond mythology. The thought I was to stand up or protect women.
Ironically. In my life it has often been women who have stood up and protected me.
In third grade I tried to stand up to a bully. He routinely would ignore my attempts and pick me up or shove my face into the water fountain or give me a horrible wedgie. No matter how many times I ran or tried to give him the patented Adam triple shake-a-fake. He would come at me every day.
Until a friend of mine told him to stop. She was a year younger than us both but her voice had more authority in it than any other. He stopped. I saved the triple shake-a-fake for another day. (She is still a close friend to this day, so don't let it be unknown that I have a bad-ass bodyguard if needed)
It is a silly but vibrant example. 24 years later, I still remember the moment. I was destined for a swirly or worse if not for her words. That is who I want my daughter to be. The one who stands up.
She is. Her love for the Leverage series may have led her to be a bit more of a Sophie Deveraux than I planned but I'll take it.
But there are still words that men use that I have started to not be ok with. "Chick" "Bitch" and if I ran into any 1930's gangsters, I'm sure that "Dame" and "Broad" would raise my ire as well.
Tonight I sat at the bar. I young man was talking about his dislike for certain TV series and their female protagonists being sitcom leading ladies. He used words I found objectionable. I decided to say something.
If not for the beautiful, smart, independent and talented woman I have loved, I might not have had the guts to point out that certain words have connotations that I didn't truly believe this young man mean to portray.
We talked. It was mildly heated at times, and in the end we came to the conclusion that his dislike for these certain individuals was more about this general dislike of actors and actresses he knew as sketch performers, taking a sketch type idea to a long form medium and how that rarely seems to create a cohesive product. Which I can see as a type of concern of and criticism.
He turned out to be a very intelligent young man and as we talked he did a good job of challenging certain idioms and notions that I have as a hopeful writer. In all he was a pleasure to talk to and I value the opportunity to discuss with him and learn from each other.
I only had the opportunity because of the beautiful, smart, independent and talented women that I have loved. As I heard certain words come from another mouth. I knew that the women I have loved would never stand for those words to continue. I couldn't help but question, ask, challenge and learn.
Thank you. Beautiful, smart, talented women who have eventually chosen to be independent from me. I have learned from you and will learn from you. And it makes not only a better father, but a better Man.
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