Silence can be Deafening.

I've been working a lot with my therapist and reading a couple books about trying to be more present. Not always so trapped inside my head. Often my mind is like a run away train. Constantly running usually many disconnected thoughts leading my mind to memories or trivia or obsessive over analysis. It's exhausting and it makes me less present and I really hate missing out on things because I'm too trapped in my head.

Usually I multitask. Well, I call it multitasking but it's basically just sensory overload. Computer with a dozen windows open and two games, phone nearby, tablet for various searches, Netflix playing in the background. So much buzz that my mind can't ramble and wander and analyze and obsess.

I'm pulled in a thousand places at once and not really truly paying attention to any of them.  But it overloads the brain at least.

Lately I have considered that by overloading my brain during the day, I might be making my night terrors/dreams/subconscious worse. Not that I have any science to back up that idea. But the narrative works and as I am me, if there's a good narrative, logic and science be damned.

Tomorrow is a long day. 10 hours. Early morning convincing the kids that Tae Kwon Do is totally worth the early wake up call. Followed by work. So I thought maybe tonight I would try to just relax. Be present. Not overload my brain. Perhaps tonight my dreams wouldn't be so bad.

The dreams part is too be determined. But I have discovered one thing but only having one browser open and my phone nearby. So other sounds. No Netflix. No wagging war on Civilization 3 between reading articles. No trips out to the living room to complete another silent Skyrim or Rock Band quest. Just me trying to be present. Still. Relaxed.

Oh my god is it terrifyingly loud. The lack of white noise. The lack of constant variable stimulation. It's just so quiet and that lack of sound seems so overwhelming. I medicate with media and alcohol and over stimulation. This is like going cold sober. Even with the blog and the phone to ween me.

I can't remember the last time I didn't have at least 3 sources of distraction outside my brain. It's not a common occurrence. The irony (and I can't just Google the definition of irony on my tablet because it's not active, so who knows if it's really irony) is that the silence does seem to help me focus. Be present. But. I'm only focusing on the fact that there is no sound and wondering what is happening in the world or the fake world or the pretend world.

All I have right now...is me. And this blank blog. It's a bit terrifying and silly. But one thing is clear.

All this terrifying lack of stimulation is a great cure for writers block.