Silence can be Deafening.

I've been working a lot with my therapist and reading a couple books about trying to be more present. Not always so trapped inside my head. Often my mind is like a run away train. Constantly running usually many disconnected thoughts leading my mind to memories or trivia or obsessive over analysis. It's exhausting and it makes me less present and I really hate missing out on things because I'm too trapped in my head.

Usually I multitask. Well, I call it multitasking but it's basically just sensory overload. Computer with a dozen windows open and two games, phone nearby, tablet for various searches, Netflix playing in the background. So much buzz that my mind can't ramble and wander and analyze and obsess.

I'm pulled in a thousand places at once and not really truly paying attention to any of them.  But it overloads the brain at least.

Lately I have considered that by overloading my brain during the day, I might be making my night terrors/dreams/subconscious worse. Not that I have any science to back up that idea. But the narrative works and as I am me, if there's a good narrative, logic and science be damned.

Tomorrow is a long day. 10 hours. Early morning convincing the kids that Tae Kwon Do is totally worth the early wake up call. Followed by work. So I thought maybe tonight I would try to just relax. Be present. Not overload my brain. Perhaps tonight my dreams wouldn't be so bad.

The dreams part is too be determined. But I have discovered one thing but only having one browser open and my phone nearby. So other sounds. No Netflix. No wagging war on Civilization 3 between reading articles. No trips out to the living room to complete another silent Skyrim or Rock Band quest. Just me trying to be present. Still. Relaxed.

Oh my god is it terrifyingly loud. The lack of white noise. The lack of constant variable stimulation. It's just so quiet and that lack of sound seems so overwhelming. I medicate with media and alcohol and over stimulation. This is like going cold sober. Even with the blog and the phone to ween me.

I can't remember the last time I didn't have at least 3 sources of distraction outside my brain. It's not a common occurrence. The irony (and I can't just Google the definition of irony on my tablet because it's not active, so who knows if it's really irony) is that the silence does seem to help me focus. Be present. But. I'm only focusing on the fact that there is no sound and wondering what is happening in the world or the fake world or the pretend world.

All I have right now...is me. And this blank blog. It's a bit terrifying and silly. But one thing is clear.

All this terrifying lack of stimulation is a great cure for writers block.

Silence is.....

I've never been good with silence. When I perform menial tasks around the house, at work, I always have the radio or television on. Often I will have Netflix or Hulu playing in one window while I play a game or work in another window. Silence for me is something to be filled.

As a kid, I remember sitting in the car on the way back from a birthday party. A party I had only wanted to be invited too because the birthday boy had the GI Joe aircraft carrier and I had to see it. Had to play with it. Needed to know that it was real. I didn't really like the birthday boy and wasn't that close to him but the birthday was fun. Pizza. Presents. Aircraft carrier. All good stuff. Really enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. We watched ET. It was good.

But on the car ride home, in a car with a parent I barely knew and this kid I only kind of did, there was silence. So I filled it. I told them my life story, from birth in Seward to my move to Minnesota. I told the story of how my parents met, I gave specific directions in a calm and confident tone to my home included when would be the best times to merge and the significant cultural landmarks on the way (We got our couch over there, that billboard never changes, the exit tells you that we are 135 miles from the Iowa border) I couldn't let there be silence. It freaked me out.

In radio, dead air is the ultimate sin. Anything over two seconds starts to feel like an eternity. If the listener hears nothing, they will change the channel - virtual death for a radio station. So again, I learned to fill the space. Always be ready with something, don't let the energy drop, if you're the color guy at a basketball game and the play by play guy is looking for something in his notes - you damn well better be ready with some observation, analysis or anything - just not dead air. I learned to fear dead air, the idea that if it happened the loudest sound would be the audience changing the station.

I don't meditate. I don't spend much time in prayer. I don't work on centering myself and my chi. However, I have recently begun to try and respect the silence. Not exactly enjoy it. But respect it. I fill my head with so much. I like to be over stimulated. Computer on, phone in hand, books set to the side, three different browsers open with tabs on each plus conquering the known world in Civilization. Sometimes I'll put on a VHS or radio and let it fill the back ground. Lots of input to sort through. Keeps my constantly misfiring brain working. It works for me.

Lately however, I have tried to build silence into my day. Each day from 1 to 2 in the store, I try and turn off the radio. Part of it is that after four hours of radio information, I have heard just about all that will be said for the day. But part of it is to stop all the white noise and just let my mind work. It's amazing how that hour often goes extremely fast when I can find positive or interesting things to think about. Conversely, time stands still when melancoly or negative thoughts invade my thinking. Went I get trapped in a negative place, time doesn't even exist.

When I am honest with myself, and I very rarely am, I know that my fear of time stopping is often what drives me to fill up my life with white noise. I am so afraid of those mental quicksand moments that I would rather deal with so much over stimulation than face them. It's why I hate to sleep. In the day, I can guide my psyche, my mind. I can distract it. I can overload it. I can keep it from wandering into the forests that I would rather take the long road around. When I sleep, the mind is free. The subconscious frolics in the places I don't want to go. The fears. The dreads. The losses. The loneliness. I am at my mind's whim when I sleep. I hate it that loss of control.

I tell myself that trying to incorporate silence into my daily routine will help me when I have to face the silence of sleep and the ghosts, shadows, memories, hopes and dreams it brings. It seems a bit pathetic to try and train myself to face it during the day so I can endure it during the night. But sometimes I have those good hours. Those hours that time flies by. The hours when letting my mind loose is positive. The good hours of silence.

The more good hours I find in the day - I hope the more good hours I'll find at night.